Why do we sometimes stay stuck in pain, even when change is possible?
Today I want to share the hidden reason we resist change (even when miserable) — and the mechanism for breaking free.
As a hypnotherapist, I’m often stunned by my clients’ capacity to keep on living in what seems like an unbearable situation for years on end. Some will sit across from me and quietly reveal that they haven’t slept more than two hours a night for years. Others describe how they’ve cut themselves off from friends, colleagues, and even casual social contact, limiting interactions only to their closest family. Some live with chronic depression for decades, while others are consumed by physical pain that drives them to scream in despair every single day.
Many of them tell me they don´t have any close friends to talk to. Some have never experienced intimacy. And yet — they survive.
What strikes me most is that all of these people are longing for change. They dream of relief, of connection, of living differently. And still, before stepping into my office, many of them have spent years, sometimes decades, taking little or no action to shift their situation.
When they finally arrive, I always salute their courage. Because yes — it takes an enormous amount of bravery to reach out for help when you are terrified of what others might think of you. For many, I am the first person they feel they can truly open up to without being judged. The first person who listens without turning away. The first person who feels safe. This is a responsibility I never take lightly, and I consider it an honor.
And yet, I can’t help but feel sadness. Sadness that life has had to become so unbearable before they dare to seek support. Sadness that we live in a society where, from a very young age, so many children are taught to hide their true feelings, their true selves — to say and do only what is expected in order to be accepted. In exchange for approval, they sacrifice their well-being and authenticity. And the cost of that sacrifice is pain.
At the same time, listening to these stories, I’m also struck by the incredible ability of the human mind to adapt and endure. Because our subconscious has one primary mission: survival. It will do everything in its power to keep us safe — and to the subconscious, familiarity equals safety.
That means:
Familiar = GOOD.
Unfamiliar = BAD.
This simple survival algorithm made sense when we were living in the wild. Eating the berries we knew were safe was always better than risking the unknown ones. Sticking to familiar trails gave us a better chance of surviving another day. But while life has changed dramatically since then, the subconscious hasn’t evolved at the same speed. It still clings to what is known — even if what is known is pain, misery, or suffering.
This is why clients can remain stuck in unbearable situations for years. The familiar suffering feels safer than the risk of trying something new. And sometimes, the suffering has been going on for so long that it feels completely normal. People who grew up in trauma often believe that a life full of struggle, pain and disconnection is simply what one should expect — because they never knew anything different.
You may have heard the “boiling frog story.” It goes like this:
A frog is placed in a pot of cool water. The frog feels comfortable, so it stays. Slowly, the pot is heated. The water warms. The frog feels cozy, so it stays. Bit by bit, the water grows hotter, but the frog doesn’t realize the danger until it’s too late.
It’s a powerful metaphor — but not scientifically accurate. In reality, the frog will try to leap out once the water becomes too hot. And this “real” ending matters even more. Because just like frogs, people will endure pain for a very long time, but eventually, once the suffering crosses their personal threshold, they leap.
I see this moment of threshold again and again. One day, the pain, the loneliness, the exhaustion becomes too much. The subconscious, which once pushed them toward the familiar, finally says: “Enough. Staying here might destroy me.” And that’s when people arrive at my door, often desperate, but finally ready for change.
And then something beautiful happens.
As we begin the inner healing work, what once felt unfamiliar — seeking help, speaking openly, exploring solutions — slowly becomes familiar. Step by step, their standards shift. At first, the goal is simply not to be miserable. Many can’t even imagine what they truly want, only what they no longer want.
But as it becomes familiar to feel just a little better, something awakens. They begin to realize that well-being is possible. That they are allowed to dream. Slowly, therapy goals evolve: finding their voice, breaking free of old obstacles, exploring who they truly are. They move from survival mode into thrival mode.
Now, I’d love to tell you this shift brings an easy ride into bliss. But the truth is, the path is rarely smooth. It is rocky, full of setbacks, moments of doubt, and even regression into the old “safe” ways of thinking. But with persistence — and the right tools — progress builds.
The key is learning to work with the subconscious mind, rather than against it. And for that, we must be mindful of the future we picture for ourselves.
Because the subconscious doesn’t respond to vague wishes — it responds to clarity. The more vivid and appealing the vision, the harder the subconscious works to make it reality.
As the saying goes: “Be careful what you wish for, lest it come true.”
Our subconscious does not like contradictions. If one day we imagine a future filled with joy, but the next we slip into despair and doubt, the mixed signals cancel each other out. The subconscious cannot figure out what we truly want, and so it holds us in place. But if the vision is consistent and clear, the subconscious will work tirelessly to align our outer world with our inner picture.
This is one of the most rewarding parts of my work: watching clients begin to expect more from themselves, and more from life. Seeing them reconnect with their authentic selves. Watching them discover that they don’t need to wear a mask, that connection can be safe, and that they can be valued simply for being who they truly are.
A huge part of this transformation is self-love. When clients learn to give themselves unconditional self-acceptance, the fear of judgment begins to fade. They care less about what others think and instead listen to their own inner wisdom — that same wisdom they once carried as children, before they were taught to suppress it. Step by step, they find their own path to happiness.
And as they begin to speak differently, act differently, and show up differently, their outer world starts to shift in response. Relationships change. Opportunities arise. Life opens up.
That is the journey: from survival to thrival.
And now I want to ask you:
👉 Where in your life might you be enduring familiar suffering, simply because it feels “familiar”?
👉 And what small step could you take today to make the unfamiliar — healing, joy, authenticity — just a little more familiar?
Because change doesn’t always begin with a leap (not all of us have frog legs). Sometimes, it begins with one small step toward a different vision of yourself.
